blog...

next post forthcoming...

may 13, 2024 i'm soooo tired. i really did not sleep well, but that's fine. i don't want to drink coffee because my stomach is kind of upset so i just have to muscle through, i guess. oh, well. today is my busy day - prose poem, then fyf, then my tutorial with an and liam. i'm excited to workshop what i wrote for this week both because i think i innovated on my usual tone and because it's kind of tea that i wrote about. ultimately, i just want to kiki with the besties (my professor and my ex boyfriend, that is...). i feel so fond of them both, agh.

i'm calling with baxter again tonight and i'm pretty excited about it. there's not much else to say there. just happy happy.

lav and i are really worried about annika, worried about how they're doing now and how they'll be doing next term. i just think i'll really need to visit them a lot. i just was looking up tickets. but when am i not looking up tickets, jesus christ. i really stay looking up tickets. why can't i be obsessed with someone who's already close to me and staying that way? because i'm not staying in the same place for long. what if i never stay in the same place for long?

like max. he moves all the time and he still feels fulfilled by his romantic life. but i think he's better at keeping things casual than i am...

i'm just so sleepy it's actually insane. i should probably go drink some coffee. bye!!!

may 12, 2024 okay, so, much has changed since we last spoke, dear blog. first of all, baxter sure did text me on the eighth. and we haven't really stopped, so that's really, really nice and somewhat frightening - i have no idea what will happen!! except maybe i'm going to cali in july, if i could manage it. crazy business. hi baxter. if you're reading this hi hiii hi hi hiiiiii.

annika is in a difficult mood today, weepy and miserable. i'm really not sure what to do for them. hi, annika. i hope you're feeling better by the time you read this. it's hard for me when annika's not well because i don't ever really know how to help them unless they ask for specific things. they're pretty good about asking for what they need but sometimes they just don't know. but then the other day they didn't know how to help themself and i was kind of helpful cause i took them to albany for an acai bowl. so i guess sometimes i do know how to help them.

right now they're working on neocities so maybe that'll help them out of the ditch they're in. i'm still thinking about baxter and his voice. hi, baxter!! okay anyways...

i'm feeling really anxious these past few days, and it's unclear why, probably a confluence of things. graduating, nicotine withdrawal, new person in my life. all things known to make me feel really edgey. hopefully i'm gonna see penny in the next couple days, though, and that'll help. so yay. also i feel better today than i have in the past few days.

okay, hi annika, sorry i'm talking about baxter so much on my blog, i know you've heard enough, but here i go again. i think part of what's so nice is that he already kind of knows a lot about me, so i don't have to worry that he'll "find out" the worst things about me and then not be interested in me anymore. because annika knows me at my very worst worst and baxter knows me through them so he already knows the worst... i'm trying not to end every paragraph with an ellipses but that's just how i'm feeling today i think. very ... ..... .......... yeah ....

kind of spacey. kind of like lying around all day but i have a lot of homework. ripski.

it's weird. everything is weird lol!!

may 8, 2024 today is annika's birthday! i don't think they're having an especially terrific day, but i think i might be. i feel so excited and high energy!! i had therapy and then a very brief meeting with sandra and now i have the rest of the day off, except i have to go to literature evening at 7. but that's a lot of time with nothing to do!! i hope baxter texts me today, that's all i really have to say. also quitting nicotine is really hard. also i don't want to leave penny behind when i go to pittsburgh. she was joking that she wants to come to sweden. i think she should!!

i really have very little to say today. maybe i'll write more later. xx

may 7, 2024 okay much to talk about today. first of all it's the end of the day and tomorrow is annika's birthday so that's pretty exciting. second of all, i finally followed baxter on instagram and he messaged me and we spent the evening flirting pretty hardcore. so that's really exciting. but i don't know how it's going to work out because he's in california and i'm all the way over here and both of us (at least i presume) are pretty broke. so who knows when we'll actually see each other, if we'll ever actually see each other. but i think it will be fun just to get to know each other. it's always fun to know someone.

but then again, i have a habit of falling in love with men who are friends with me over long distances. and then going to see them and being disillusioned with them - oh no! - so we'll see. i'll have to keep my expectations low. i'm usually pretty bad at that, though. oh no. oh no oh no oh no. we'll just have to wait and see.

graduation is getting properly close, now. i think that it'll be here pretty soon, honestly. i mean, obviously, but what i mean is that it won't feel like a long time when i look back on it between that moment and this. i think time will speed up quite a bit. i hope it goes slow, though.

i texted joe today to tell him i don't want our friendship to end. he told me he feels the same way but that he's also not doing super well right now so he's not sure what he wants. i totally understand that. so i said so. again, we'll see what happens. i just don't want to lose more people, seeing as i'm already losing liam, who is probably going to follow maddie to ireland. i don't even want to date him - i just want to be friends - but i don't think there's any in between for me and liam, honestly, ya know?

at least i think that's how he feels. how should i know? he doesn't talk to me.

but i think maybe baxter is my bi4bi fantasy coming true a little bit. if only he was in pittsburgh, lol. maybe i can convince him to move. that's a joke. that would be crazy.

i guess that's not that much stuff to talk about, but yeah. i suppose i don't have much to say today.

may 6, 2024 so i suppose i'm writing every other day now, but i'll probably get bored at work tomorrow and blog, so maybe it just won't be consistent. that's fine, i suppose. not everything has to be consistent. i say that knowing that i like things to be consistent in some way, though. i don't know.

annika and i have been watching a lot of this swedish tv show kärlek och anarki which i'm totally obsessed with now. it has me thinking, though, about how sad it makes me to see straight relationships in media, because it feels like a kind of love i'll never have. because i'm not straight, and not even that cis. annika says that it's probably to do with the fact that i went to an all girls high school and a basically all gay college, (and even there i managed to date a man), and not to do with me - they mean this feeling i have that men don't like me in general because of my whole vibe. my whole not straight not cis vibe. it just depresses the hell out of me because obviously i want to have potential to be loved by everyone who i might be attracted to, and i am indeed occasionally attracted even to straight men. and i don't think they like me, which makes sense because i'm not really a girl. i was telling annika i just need to have a bi4bi thing with some guy in pittsburgh, and they agree with me. i think it will be beautiful. if it happens.

i'm thinking a lot about pittsburgh today because kovi and i were texting all afternoon about house stuff. it turns out there is a swimming pool they like near the house - yippee!! they and i are looking forward to a kind of languid summer, which is funny because i actually have to be working quite a lot pretty immediately if i'm to save enough for sverige. which i really would like to.

i'm thinking a lot about how i'd like to dress while i'm there. also how i'd like to dress in pgh. i think that clothes tend to define the eras of my life in some way - they are markers of time passing, of my body changing, of my shifting aesthetic preferences. i think that this is part of the reason i like neocities so much - i can mark an aesthetic interest without buying anything about it. which is really good for my bank account and also means that i'm being constructive (creating something) instead of consumerish (buying something).

but anyways, back to my thing about men, because i'm not sure how earnest it is. i think it might be the comphet yearning for male validation thing, ya know? the love i have for women and lesbians feels much more good and real and less hopeless and also less like i'm completely abandoning myself. i don't feel like myself when i'm achey yearning for a man. much to think about. i could treat max from kärlek och anarki SO RIGHT THOUGH and that's all i'll say on the matter. in fact, that's all i have to say on the matter period.

so allow me to talk about something else. annika slept over last night because they had an upsetting conversation with lav last night and then it continued into this morning. so i was pretty tired today and skipped my morning class to sleep. which all in all was good because i really didn't want to go. then lav came to my fyf class to talk about her senior work which was cool. then i had my tutorial with an and liam which was nice today. i really enjoyed it. then i went to the lake with anni and ran into brandi and her partner trey which was pretty epic. i like all those people a lot and we just sat around and chatted on the dock for a long time. i also took and absolutely freezing dip which was amazing. then we came back and have been just sitting around mainly. annika and i made pancakes and ate them with cora, who i love. we also ate filmjolk and knockebrod (sp?) and then i just ate some talegio mac and cheese annika made last night. yum! also we watched that tv show i was talking about, so that's why i'm thinking about men. that max guy is really cute.

yeah so i'm not that good about not talking about it so i guess i'll talk about it. i just really feel like guys don't generally like me, because of my whole thing - the butchness of masculinity or whatever you want to call it. i guess liam liked it but then it turned out he didn't, actually. but that had less to do with the masculinity and more with me in general. so i really need to date a bisexual man i guess, which i suppose is just because i'm not a girl... at least not entirely. jesus christ. i don't know. i feel ridiculous saying this. like - i'm just a girl, maybe a butch woman. i struggle to see myself because i'm not sure my gender really has a history. but whatever. "my gender." what, you mean, "girl?" like...

i don't think writing about this is actually that productive. i just get kinda down on myself. anyways. goodnight.

may 4, 2024 i guess i forgot to write yesterday. it was just an average friday except the party was at my house so i got to do a dj set which was kind of stressful but mainly just fun. i played all my favorite songs to dance to plus some that isabel really likes. so that was nice. today i am pretty hungover and i'm hanging out in the w collective while annika works. midol is saving me from total ruin. thankfully my stomach isn't upset so i could take it. i just had a headache, but the midol made that go away, yay. i probably should eat some protein to really feel better because all i've had today is a muffin and some toast. but no protein is at hand, alas.

i'm feeling very done with bennington today, but maybe that's just being hungover. and having allergies and the fact that it's only in the 60s. i really want it to be warm, but i know as soon as it's hot i'll miss the cool. i've been wondering if there are any good swimming spots in pittsburgh. i should research that, because going for a swim at the end of the day in the summer feels so good. maybe i'll just have to get into taking a bath everyday. that sounds good. i think i'm also going to spend a lot of time on the porch. that sounds so lovely. with my walkman and a good book? heaven.

i think i'm just starting to feel like i do at the end of every season, where i start to want to go somewhere else. it's been a natural part of my life in college to move every few months, and i think travel will be very important. i think travel will be very important also because it'll mean seeing annika. but just now we're talking about how our relationship will probably never again be the same as it is right now, because they don't want it to stay this way forever. which is pretty much fine with me, at least today while i'm so congested and nothing feels too real.

i wish i could take the nails off i put on last night. i feel stupid and femmey in a way that's not quite reflective of my internal stuff right now. i don't know. maybe i do want to be like this with annika forever. i don't understand what all this love i have for them is going to do if we don't stay how we are or get even closer - so maybe this does matter to me. i just feel like they're rejecting me without wanting to reject me fully. like, they just said how they wouldn't want me to move to cali because they don't want to be my only person. but they wouldn't even be, so i don't really understand why it scares them. i just think they think i wouldn't be able to do casual friendship if i was moving somewhere to be close to them. but, in the end, it would only be in part to be near them. mainly it would just be to be somewhere else for a while.

the fact is i don't want just a casual friendship with annika even if we're both on the same coast. i want to call them everyday and stuff. i want them to be a touchpoint for me. just because i love them, not because i need them. they get so itchy about me needing them. about dependence in general, which is funny because of how dependent they are on lav, but that's totally against their will. i don't know. maybe this is too much to blog about. it's just that writing is so central to my thought process and i so rarely let myself write about stuff like this. so i don't really think through it.

but on the occasion of all this thinking, i find that i'm just not that worried. i know that i will find friends wherever i go, and look back and forward with joy.

may 2, 2024 wow! i haven't updated in a few days! (one day). right now i'm with annika and lav in the computer lab in commons while annika does their stats homework. i'm ignoring my own homework even though the book i'm supposed to be reading is really good - eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i spent the whole day ignoring what i'm supposed to be doing - i skipped work and drove with annika to brattleboro where we went to the coop and then to the works and then to a record store where i bought two tapes. actually, annika bought them, because i'm broke, but i'll pay them back eventually. but anyways i got a tape by heart (with barracuda on it!) and then a cover of sgt pepper by some beach rock group. it's pretty epic. then we went to lake paran and listened to the tape and sat on a picnic blanket and chilled but it actually got pretty chilly so then we left and went home and watched the first episode of a swedish tv show called love and anarchy. it's about a sex addicted lady who gets caught jerking off at work by a young it guy. i think they're going to fall in love.

i told annika i'm a little bit in love with them a couple of days ago. isn't that exciting? except it's not because they don't really care. they mainly just feel bad for not being in love with me, i think. but i don't really care about that i just wanted to tell them so they would know how i feel. then we talked about how it makes me sad that we don't prioritize each other in life planning because we're not dating, and they said that just because they have a set path (teaching in cali) doesn't mean that path has to go away from me - i can follow them! so know i'm looking at masters and mfas in the bay area. i really didn't think this was how this term was going to go at all, but i'm so glad it's taken this swerve. life is so sweet right now. except for my stupid homework.

the book i'm supposed to be reading is actually fascinating. i'm maybe a tenth of the way through it. carson is soooo smart. she's making this argument about the distance required for love using all sorts of greek and latin poetry, among other texts. it makes me tink about lav because she writes so much about love. also i keep reading the book while i'm hanging out with her and then i read parts aloud to her because she's right there and i think it'll be of interest. typically it is. but then i have to reread the sections to read them out loud, which is actually good because i keep catching mistakes i made while reading them the first time through. anyways i'm far from prepared to discuss it tomorrow, but i actually don't think it matters at all. except for the fact that i missed my meeting with sandra because she wasn't answering my emails. very odd. i have to talk to her about that tomorrow.

i'm actually getting super excited for pittsburgh. making the shrine really helped. i'm daydreaming about packing my trunk.

i'm also thinking all the time about what to wear to fit in in stockholm. i'm thinking about cutting my hair but i don't want to get a haircut that doesn't match my style. that said, i do think a little barista mullet would be so sexy, but i don't know if i dress adequately for that. my sense of style is much more victorian school child core, i think, than a barista mullet, but maybe i want to start dressing more like a pittsburgh adult. i've been thinking about wearing my old hiking boots as my main footwear this winter. i think that would be comfy and scrungly but chic in a very coffee shop way. this is all premeditated because i think i'll be working in a coffee shop, but i actually don't know yet where i'll be working. i don't know if the coffee shop will be able to give me forty hours. i hope they will but maybe it would be nice to have two jobs if a little less convenient because then i'll get to switch it up a little more and have a more complicated rhythm. a polyrhythm, if you will.

for dinner i had a crunchy rye cracker i can't really pronounce the name of, soaked in a raspberry yogurt drink i also can't pronounce the name of, courtesy of annika's purchases at the coop. it was so tasty, a kind of swedish comfort food. i'm finding out i really like how swedes eat, and it's making me want to go to sweden more. i should probably declare this to my parents so that they'll buy me a plane ticket. i also asked annika to record me a conversational phrases guide on one of my blank tapes so i can listen to it this summer. this is definitely not just so i have their voice on tape, wink wink...

anyways, annika is finishing up their homework so i'm signing off for the night. much love to you if you're reading this. annika i know you're reading this for sorry for being a weirdo.

april 30, 2024 i'm at work right now, which mainly means sitting behind a desk doing random stuff on my computer for four hours at a time. i can't focus on homework so i'm doing neocities... yay!! i'm building annika a site (this is the surprise i was talking about yesterday)(i already spoiled the surprise but they were pretty excited anyways) and it's going pretty well. i just spent like an hour collecting graphics for them to populate their graphics page. i hope they like it.

i'm a little bit worried about my lack of interest in school. before we went to nyc i was super on top of my work so that i wouldn't have to worry about it while we were there, but now that that motivation is gone i have less reason to do my work. senior-itis, i guess. i think it comes in waves because sometimes i'm so excited about school and sometimes i'm not.

the good news is an and liam really liked my joy division essay. i'm planning on pitching it to the drift which should be exciting if they take it (plus they pay 2000 dollars for an essay). but first i need to actually write the pitch. an gave me some major pointers so hopefully that will go smoothly but i'm nervous about it because honestly i have no idea how to write a pitch and i'm just going to do what an told me to. i should probably show it to my dad, too, since he works in journalism. the truth is i just really want to get published and i think i want to write a book about joy division but this is my starting place. i just love their music so much recently and i love thinking about desperation and despair and how punk is kind of utopian despite that.

plus, i could really use the money. if i get it then i can take anni to sweden without worrying about money oh so much. or i could just not worry about money my first month in pgh. or i could try and get them to publish me twice, and then do both, but i don't know what i would write about the second time. an sent me and liam a link to a call for pitches for a column on something or other that i need to look at again, which pays 1000 dollars for 600 to 800 words, which sounds really nice.

i'm bummed i didn't get the asymptote position but honestly it's probably better for my budget to devote my intellectual life to something that pays. the cool thing is that with my life budgeted as it is now, i can live on 2400 a month in pgh, so even if i only get paid 2000 for an essay each essay means i could take off a month if i really wanted to with only having to scrimp a little bit. isn't that exciting? what's nice is i could probably keep working while working on whatever i'm getting paid to write and then use the writing money for savings or splurges (read: travel) or whatever!! this is all presupposing that my pitches will get accepted... but it's still very exciting to me!

yesterday an said that i'm built to be famous because i'm cool. i'm not really sure what that means but i appreciated the compliment and it made me hopeful that he might be right. maybe i will get famous for my writing!! he said that because we were talking about what order in which to publish the two projects i'm working on right now - he says i should do the joy division book first and then keep working on my essays on girlhood so that everyone will be taken in by the joy division book and i'll become an "it girl" and then the girlhood book will be a hit because everyone will want to know what it's like to be an "it girl." i'm like, okay an. we'll see what happens.

right now i think i just have to focus on actually writing. well, really, i have to make sure that when i get to pgh i keep writing and don't get caught up in being too tired or whatever. i want to make a list of daily, weekly, and monthly goals for pgh so that i keep on track with living a good life. maybe that's a good idea for a shrine type situation. i also want to start making shrines to movies i love! much to do, much to do... and much to do while i'm supposed to be doing homework.

what's nice about html is that it's pretty quick for me now, so i can make things almost as fast as i can come up with them. that's not always the case with writing, ya know? but i have to make sure that i write publishable stuff instead of just making neocities about all the ideas i have. i think, hopefully, that the ideas sort themselves naturally between neocities ideas and writing ideas, but i'm worried there won't be a balance. i don't know. once again, it's a wait and see type situation.

ya know, all is well, all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well type of thing.

i think this is all that's in my brain for now. it's so nice to be able to blog and kind of set things down daily. plus it'll be cool to have a record of things going forward.

april 29, 2024 back to school. back to classes. i'm having an idea i can't even write about here because i want it to be a surprise. i had lunch with emmett and bella and it was nice to see them. i told them i still want to be friends forever even though we haven't seen each other much lately. i've been so wrapped up in my old friends, which has been really nice, but it also means that i don't see much of anyone else. apparently liam has been totally wrapped up in maddie, which is good for him. but he didn't write anything for our workshop this week which means class will be shorter. also i didn't do the reading because i forgot to put it on my to do list. oops. it's weird to hop right back into classes with no break after new york. but it was so so worth it. i was telling annika that it felt so good to have their full attention for a bit. now i have to adjust to sharing it with everyone else again. but i can do that.

it's warm out today and misting so everyone's hair is curly, including mine. i love the spring so much. it's so funny because annika hates warm weather and i love it so much — one way in which we're mismatched. they and i were talking last night on the car ride home about how we both are blessed and cursed with large feelings. and a lot of empathy. it's a good thing ultimately but it means that we are always thinking about people we met only briefly or even have only heard of who we feel so much for.

that's one of the things i love about annika but their big feelings are one of the things that almost drove us apart. we can both get very overwhelmed by each other. but we've learned to deal with it a lot better than we used to.

it's so bizarre that this is my last spring here. so much is going to change. i'm pretty excited about it, honestly, but i'm beginning to have that sentimental edge, too. ugh. we'll see how this month goes, i suppose.

april 28, 2024 anni and i are on the train back to bennington. i am very tired or something. very out of it to say the least. but today has been nice. we got up, got bagels and really good coffee, and then went back to the apartment and hung out. then we walked down to the water for a bit and sat on a bench, and finally went to meet my uncles for brunch around one thirty. i started to get nervous about time but still had a really nice time with them and annika. when they asked us what we'd been doing in the city we told them "eating" and ain't that the truth. it's like all we did!! and i love that!! annika and i both just love taking things in — sights and foods, lol.

it was really nice to introduce annika to some more of my family. (they've already met my dad, a long time ago, and he didn't click with them exactly). they seemed to really get on with my uncles, probably because everyone at the table was queer... interesting. we were also pretty open with them about the fact that anni and i are sleeping together. it feels nice to be upfront with the adults in my life.

apparently this site has been visited almost 800 times! i wonder who all of you are... maybe it's just me visiting over and over and over. it wouldn't shock me if i've opened my page that many times, lol. but if you're reading this, i hope you're having a good day.

i'm breaking out on my upper lip and my period just started and i smell bad and i can't vape on the train, so while i'm having a good day my last hour has been a little bit uncomfortable. that's okay. i can deal with discomfort. i just wish i didn't have to in this moment, because it's some of the last moments i get annika to myself for a long while. i really would like to go to sweden with them, or meet them in wareham this summer, or something, ya know? i was telling them earlier i just love what we have — i don't feel too hungry for their love or too guilty about mine. it just feels good.

all that sounds shockingly mushy for feelings about someone i'm not even dating and don't particularly want to date, but that's what i mean. i think if we were dating i'd start to get freaked out or worried or something. but i don't have to fret about any of that because we aren't even committed to each other. even if it feels almost automatic. i don't know. i guess i'm just happy and overthinking it, haha.

april 27, 2024 today annika and i are in nyc! yesterday we spent most of the day in the brooklyn library. they were doing homework and i was working on my site, lol. today we walked all over the east village and then went to essex market on the lower east side to go to a swedish deli counter. the food was SO GOOD and i don't know how i'm going to live my life without eating swedish food regularly. it was honestly one of the best meals i've ever had. it only redoubled my desire to go to sweden with anni. i hope i can make it happen — the only difficulty would be money but looking at my budget for pittsburgh i think i'll be able to save up. it's also possible that my parents would buy me the ticket for graduation, but i still don't know how that gets annika to sweden. for us both to go round trip from ny (that's where they looked from last time they looked) it would be over 2k. pretty intimidating but i think it would be worth it to see them that happy and also to get to experience sverige!!!

today, though, i am very happy to be in new york. my feet hurt a bit from walking so much but i saw so many terrific things and ate so much good food today. we also went to, before essex market, bien cuit on smith street in bkn and this tiny italian grocers and right next door to it an italian bakery and before that an h mart where annika was super excited. we both love shopping for food and looking at clothes (the other thing we did a lot of) so today was super fun for us both and i think in general we're pretty good at travelling together. so long story short i REALLY would like to go to sweden with them.

later we're eating dinner with chris and audrey and then are going to try to find a good place to get some ice cream or gelato or something. in the mean time, we're neoing our cities af. it's a really fun hobby. everybody should get into this, fr.

april 26, 2024 right now annika and i are on the train to new york. they're doing actual work and i'm just poking around on neocities. i'm feeling a little bit nervous about the city and i have a headache, but besides that i'm just really excited to be hanging out with anni and being in new york. i wish we had gotten tickets to see some theater... that was kind of the point originally but there's nothing cheap enough that we actually want to see. my nail appointment went very well and i'm super obsessed with my nails. the countryside rolling past is also very beautiful. today i am thinking about how happily insignificant it makes me feel to be on a train. it feels super small, especially in comparison to the big hills we pass and the huge city we're going to. my only worry is that we'll be bogged down by our stuff. we can't go to chris and audrey's until 11:30, so we have to kill some time in the city with our bags still on us, which is inconvenient. it's okay though, i'm sure it will be fine. just a bump to get over. it's funny -- i'm not sure what the point of going to nyc is but i still love to do it. there's a book called "drinking coffee elsewhere" that i should probably read because that title really describes my dreams. i don't really care where i go as long as it's someplace new and there's coffee there. and a bookstore, maybe. i'm really hung up on this flip phone idea and i think it would be fun to go on a trip where i only bring my flip phone. my flip phone that i don't even have yet. hmmm... annika has their headphones on while they fill out paperwork for their field work term. i have no field work terms left, can you believe it? college is almost over. i'm not sure what will happen to me in the next few years, although maybe i shouldn't phrase it that way. i don't want stuff to happen to me, i want to enact and be decisive and steer my life. the trouble is, i'm not sure what direction i want to move in. i'm still thinking about what dr. rahmani wrote in that email about the idea of me getting a doctorate. i think that would be so fun. but it would also mean more time and money spent on school. but maybe it would make me a better paid person in the future? plus then i could be dr. o'donnell, which feels very fitting and euphoric. maybe it's stupid to get euphoria from an academic degree. but most things are stupid and i still do them, ya know? i think that's my philosophy of life. do even the stupid stuff. i'm not sure i have a philosophy of life, actually. more like a pedagogy for teaching myself about the world. ugh!! it's so beautiful along the train tracks i can't even believe it. i love the early morning sun. (it's 8:20).

lately i think a lot about everything. not all the time. i've just been reflecting on the past in a way i haven't until recently, probably because i just started spending time with lavender and annika again. but i've also been thinking a lot about the future, ya know? i guess that's naturally seeing as my life is about to change pretty drastically (no more college).

i like hanging out with annika because it's okay to feel a little bit stupid. what i mean is, i don't feel stupid even when i'm a little bit stupid because they're really nice to me about it. they just read that while i typed it and made a face at me.

i'm beginning to wonder, like i always do when i journal, about who might ever read this. there's a greater possibility of this getting read than any of my other journals because those ones weren't on the internet. i don't know why i'm putting my journal on the internet, but honestly, i don't think too much about any of my decisions like that. sometimes it's fun to make public the kind of unpolished and unperformed side of yourself, and i really do mean that that's what i'm doing here. we'll see how it turns out. sometimes i end up making a caricature of my nonperformance and that can get tricky.

this is turning into a really long journal entry but i don't really have anything else to do on this train because annika is working so yeah. i guess i'll keep tip tapping away. maybe i should make my website more complicated, but i can't really do that without annika's help. annika made this website, by the way. i only told them what i liked and didn't like. and copy pasted their html sometimes. so i'm kind of useless without them in terms of website complexifying. god, i hope i have a good time in pgh next year. if i don't like it i really don't know what i'll do. but i probably will like it. i like most places and love to make a little life.

i'm trying not to think about this but i guess i want to make a very romantic (not like lovey dovey but the other kind) corner of the internet, you know what i mean? sentimental. i think that's why neocities exists. sentiment. passion. a need to make art about that sentiment and passion. it took me three tries to spell passion.

i can't tell if i'm hungry or what. my head really hurts, though. i'm sure it'll all work out. maybe we can get bagels when we get to the city!! yerm. i like the way sentiment sounds like sediment. like it's something silty that builds up over time.

april 25, 2024 today annika helped me make a website. tomorrow they and i leave for new york, which i'm super excited about. lately i've been writing about joy division, and separately, caroline calloway. i'm hoping to publish both those pieces. i'm hoping to publish all my pieces! lately i feel very optimistic. i don't know what to do with all of my love and optimism except move to pgh and get a coffee shop job and write and write and write. maybe read some, too. i don't have much to say today! except i find neocities very exciting. i think that the older way of doing things is always better, when it comes to the internet and phones and stuff. maybe this is my first step towards getting a flip phone!! sometimes i want to buy a flip phone and only have a few numbers on it, like my parents and annika and em and kovi, since we'll be living together soon. i think that would be fun. then i wouldn't have to look at my email all day! i'm looking forward to pgh bc i can still idealize it. it still is a land of possibility. i want to make a list of daily goals and weekly goals and monthly goals. i already made my budget. i just want to set up a bunch of useful routines, you know? and become a better person that way. anyways. i think that's all i have to say for now. i'm about to go get my nails done! i'm so excited.